Cookienan the Bakedbarian
Title Card: That which does not cook us makes us hungrier - Cookie Monster
In Sesame Street, Cookie Monster was figuring out what would make a new ingredient for some cookies he is trying to bake. He looks in the cupboards and finds a bottle of steroids nearly forty years overdue. Oblivious to its potential hazard, Cookie Monster sloppily dumps them all into the dough and shoves it in the oven. Minutes later, Cookie Monster and his friends gorge down on his rotten steroid injected cookies while watching Arnold Schwarzenegger interview on his early filming career. They all started to feel a bit woozy and hallucinations set in and voices rang in their heads.
Count the Count: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Between the time when the cake batter drank PBS Kids and the rise of the sons of Muppets, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Cookienan, destined to wear the Chocolate chip chef's hat of Betty Crocker upon a hunger-driven brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure... For COOKIES! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Cookie Monster was hallucinating of himself as a barbarian child named Cookienan listening to his father (Oscar the Grouch for some reason) tell him stories of motivation.
Oscar: "Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Cookie-Crom is your god, Cookie-Crom and he lives in the earth. Once, giants lived in the Earth, Cookienan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Cookie-Crom, and they took from him the enigma of cookie-dough. Cookie-Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Flour and sprinkles struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the baking oil, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret recipe of cookie-dough and left it in the kitchen. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. The secret recipe of cookie-dough has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its recipe, Cookienan. You must learn its ingredient. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts."
[Points to his spoon]
Oscar: "This you can trust."
Hallucinations set off again as Cookienan now finds himself in the middle of a raid as the evil lord Elmo Doom sets his dogs on Oscar, steals his spoon, and decapitates Cookienan's mother (Rosita). Cookienan was then forced into slavery spend the rest of his childhood pushing a giant spatula until sold to the Mongol General Telly to use in gladiatorial tournaments. Cookienan defeated all of his rivals in battle and Telly feared Cookienan was too great to control. So, he frees him, but not before giving him words of wisdom.
Mongol Telly: "Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?"
Mongol Telly: "The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair."
Mongol Telly: "Wrong! Cookienan! What is best in life?"
Cookienan: "To crush enemies into crumbs, see them drop chocolate chips before me, and smell frosting dumped on women... literally!"
Mongol Telly: "That is good! That is good."
And so, Cookienan sets off into the wild. On his journey, he entered the cave of the cookie gods. There, he grave robs from the skeleton of the Betty Crocker General, Big Bird, his mighty Betty Crocker spoon. He later comes to a hut owned by the witch, Zoe, who Cookienan demands information of his father's murderer. Zoe gives him the answeres he needed, but in return, demands an exchange... Which nauseated Cookienan in disgust so badly that he killed her with fire!
Cookienan then frees Zoe's captive, Grover the thief, and together they come across Cookienan's one and only true love, Cookie the brigand. Together they seek to destroy Elmo Doom and steal his serpent sprinkles, but Elmo's henchmen, Mr. Mr. Snuffleupagus, captured Cookienan. Before Cookienan's sentence to crucifixion, The two have a dispute;
Elmo Doom: "I wish to speak to you now. Where are the sprinkles of the Serpent? Mr. Snuffleupagus says that you gave to a girl, probably for a mere night's pleasure, hmm? What a loss. People have no grasp of what they do. You broke into my house, stole my property, murdered my servants, and my PETS! And that is what grieves me the most! You killed my snake. Alice is beside herself with grief! She raised that snake from the time it was born."
Cookienan: "You killed me mother! You killed me father, you killed me people! You took me father's spoon!"
Elmo Doom: "Ah. It must have been when I was younger. There was a time, boy, when I searched for cookie-dough, when cookie-dough meant more to me than frosting or sprinkles."
Cookienan: "The riddle... of cookie-dough."
Elmo Doom: "Yes! You know what it is, don't you boy? Shall I tell you? It's the least I can do. Cookie-dough isn't strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl (Abby Cadabby). Come to me, my child..."
[Coaxes Abby Cadabby to jump to her death]
Elmo Doom: "That is strength, boy! That is power! What is cookie-dough compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart, I gave you this! Such a waste. Contemplate this on the fork of woe. Crucify him!"
But Cookienan was freed by his allies, though they were captured by lord Bert and his men. Bert demanded for the three to go on a quest to save his partner, Ernie, from becoming Elmo's sacrifice. Cookienan agreed and the three entered Elmo's layer to steal his serpent sprinkles, but at a price, Elmo killed the beloved Cookie with a snake arrow. Cookienan swore vengeance as he and Grover set up a defense against Mr. Snuffleupagus and his army. Upon the battle, Cookienan swore this;
Cookienan; "Cookie-Crom! Me not pray you before! Me no time for it! No one, not even cookie, remember if recipe were good or not! Why we ate them, or how they crumbled in belly! No! All that matter is two stand against many! That what important! Betty Crocker pleases you, Cookie-Crom! So grant me one serving! Grant me cookies! And if you not listen... Then to OVEN with you!"
Cookienan's prayers were answered as he suddenly gains aid from beyond the grave as his love, Cookie, joins the fight.
Cookie: "Do you want to live forever?"
Cookie: "All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I'd come back from the darkness. Back from the oven of hell to fight at your side."
And after a great struggle, Cookienan had slain Mr. Snuffleupagus and reclaimed Oscar's sword. The next night, he went to the top of an alter Elmo was hosting for a sacrifice. As the two confront each other, Elmo says his last words.
Elmo Doom: "My child, you have come to me my son. For who now is your father if it is not me? I am the well sirup, from which you flow. When I am flour, you will have never been. What would your world be, without me? My son. And I'll let you share my blankey!"
Outraged, Cookienan then swings his Oscar's spoon, decapitating Elmo Doom before throwing his head down the stairs. Cookienan freed all from Elmo Doom's control.
Count the Count: "Ha! Ha! Ha! So, did Cookienan return the wayward partner, Ernie of King Oscar to his home. And having no further concern, he and his companions sought adventure in the West. Many wars and feuds did Cookienan fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand... But that story shall not be told because-WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cookie Monster wakes up from his deep sleepwalking as the Count dumps a bucket on his head.
The Count: "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE!?!?!?!? I could not even count the casualties you just commit let alone laugh while doing so! I'm lucky to be undead and that spoon you were swinging was plastic!"
Cookie Monster looks around and smothered all over Sesame Street are the corpses of all his friends.
Cookie Monster: "...... To OVEN with you, Cookie-Crom!
Parody of Sesame Street and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian 1982 film